Poop On The Floor

Disclaimer: In this post I will be talking about poop. Do with that what you will.

Okay, so I live in Japan. I respect that Japan's culture is very different from my own. I acknowledge that there are things about Japan's culture that I don't agree with, that I can't change. However, there is one thing, just one thing, that I cannot respect. That one thing is that Japanese people think it's okay to poop in a hole in the floor.

I just walked into the horror story that is the mens' room at my school with the unpleasant rumbling in my midsection that told me I was gonna have to drop the kids off at the pool. I try to avoid using this cesspool at any cost, but for whatever reason I just had to let loose this morning. I get into the stall for the squat toilet only to discover that someone has pooped, on the floor, and neglected to clean it up.

Now it wasn't a whole turd or a dump or whatever. It was just a small splatter of poo. But come on! What this little present says to us is that one of the adult males (as this is the staff bathroom) pooed on the floor and then just left it there for someone else to find. WTF?

I know you're saying that I should be directing my anger at the person who dropped one on the floor, but this is not the first time I've discovered poo on the floor of a Japanese-style toilet. You want to know how many times I've found poo on the floor of a Western toilet? I'm gonna say zero times since I graduated elementary school. Japanese toilets just seem designed to facilitate accidental floor poopings...and aparently, according to some ancient custom, you don't have any obligation to clean them up.

I'll admit that the squat position provides a better overall pooping experience, as far as the pipes are concerned, but maybe it's too good. Maybe it allows your poo to be released a little too well, causing all this excess splatter. Japanese friends of mine have conceeded that on average you splash yourself or the floor in a squat toilet about once a month! This is far too often. I've never splashed anything but my own ass in a Western toilet, and that's pretty easy to clean up.

So in closing, I'm not trying to be intolerant here. I've tried it the Japanese way, and in this case the Japanese way is just plain wrong. There are no ifs, ands or buts about it. The traditional Western toilet, the one that contains the poop is superior to the Japanese squatter that just lets it fly all over the place.

*Author's note: I have also yet to experience diarrhea on a squat toilet, but it's the kind of thing that keeps me up at night.


Anonymous Dad said...

Always good to read a story about poop. Nice writing!


Anonymous Isaac said...

Oh man! Such LOLs out of me for this entry! I miss you here in Rochester, with no friends to poop with.

Anonymous ashley said...

This was entertaining and uncomfortable. However, don't you mean "There are no ifs, ands or BUTTs about it"? Hahaha oh man. High five!

Anonymous Mom said...

Too funny! It's not so easy mastering that squatting skill - lots to think about....

Please consider writing a book of short essays!!
I love you!

Blogger Lindsay said...

wow, that was a very intimate blog right there. i've never seen poo on the floor before (what went on in your elementary school?) but girls have to deal with pee on the toilet seat on a daily basis which may not be as gross but that is even while using a western toilet which as you put it should contain the pee. basically this means that whenever i go into a public restroom i usually am thinking, ok i hope i don't accidentally sit in someone else's pee. so yeah, I’d just like to add that trying to turn a western toilet into a squat toilet is a bad idea too because a western toilet not used properly can be a dangerous thing as well.

Anonymous Darcy said...

Wow Darrell... havent checked in for awhile but was definitely rewarded with your entertaining yet thoughtfully philosophical expose on Japanese fecal disposal methods! I can always count on you (and other family members who shall remain nameless) to provide something to ponder. Peace man...and good luck with the.. well, you know... Love (Aunt) Darcy

Blogger Ben said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger Ben said...

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Blogger golorengo said...

can i just say that ever since i learned about the japanese toilet a few years back, it has baffled me. who wants to work up a sweat squatting when they are going to the bathroom?
i did check out the wikipedia article about japanese toilets (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japanese_toilet) and learned that a) in ancient japan, they used to wipe with sticks (the mechanics of this confuse me, to say the least) and b) you basically need a manual to understand the newfangled bidet/toilet combos
i maintain that the bathroom should be relaxing! none of this squatting/instruction manual what have you!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Emily poops on the floor here at work, she's a right minger!

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